Identity, How brains can align through conversations and negotiations.
Mary Rensel 
When we understand more about a person we can get a meaningful conversation. We can build skills to help understand other's values, identity, beliefs
Identity- How it matters in our work conversations and negotiations
I was recently surprised at the power of recognizing identity in negotiation and work conversations. I have read 2 interesting books recently that opened my eyes to the power of identity and conversation in our work lives. As in anything new, starting with awareness is the key. First start with awareness of all of the identities of your team, Dan Shapiro suggested there are identities that are flexible and some are nonflexible. Dan Shapiro is the author of, Negotiating the Nonnegotiable, and he shared his concept that as we negotiate we need to acknowledge the level of flexibility of the identities. For example, I am a new golfer, 2 years ago I would not have identified as a golfer, that is a flexible or new identity for me. I am quite flexible on this, as I could stop playing any day and would therefore no longer be a golfer. I am also a new empty nester, this is also a recent identity for me. I am almost 60, close but not imminent, this will be a new identity for me. My core identities are likely nonflexible, such as my values and beliefs. Dan Shapiro suggested we may find unexpected flexibility in our core identities. We have to know what is negotiable or nonnegotiable in our identity. What are we holding onto and what will bend on? Being aware of the flexibility of our and our team’s identities will influence our negotiations and help us understand others.
I was recently in a meeting where something really needed to be said yet no one was brave enough or had the tools to share it. I hated seeing the strained faces of those that were hurting and sure wished I had the tools to help the emotions and experiences safely come out in the open. It held over the group like a cloud. It seemed impossible to deal with the emotions of those involved. We left the meeting not addressing it and it felt so unsatisfactory. It stayed with me the whole day. The book, Supercommunicators, has the tools and research to back up steps that can be taken to plan for and execute a healthy conversation successfully. In this interesting book, that I highly recommend, it suggests that we need to learn the skill of understanding the emotions in a conversation or we will not be able to move forward or connect with that person on a meaningful level. I also love this book as it dives into the neural synchronicities or entrainment when we listen to and connect with others. I love when folks share neuroscience in a clear and actionable way! Thank goodness, I could have used this book earlier.
Supercommunicators, by Charles Duhugg, is interesting and instructive. This book is quite helpful on how to plan and execute difficult and or meaningful conversations. Identity is one of the key foundations in conversation planning. He states we have to personally prepare for the conversation, we have to clarify our goals and our preferred outcomes. We have to set guidelines and goals with our team. We consider the obstacles that will happen and make a plan for them, discomfort and anger may happen, he suggests planning for those in the beginning. This improves the safety of the conversation. We make sure all feel safe in the location, setting and goals of the meeting. Here was the surprising part, he states we then have to draw out multiple identities of the team such as community member, religious member, family state, sports, hometown, travel, job experience, pets etc. We look for commonalities to take the conversation to a meaningful level. We frame the topics such as we are all experts in our own experience, we look to understand each other better through active listening of one’s experiences. We hear others and actively listen by circling back and being sure we heard them correctly. He reinforces the neuroscience of connection through conversation. He reviews many studies that showed we biologically sync with others through a conversation, literally similar heart rate, breathing and skin activity.
Knowing our own identity and asking others about their experiences will help us connect in a meaningful way. Once we plan for the conversation, plan for the barriers, set goals, and set guidelines then we can make a safe space for others to share their thoughts and emotions. Neurologically we will align with others when we know they care, listen and hear us. I highly recommend these 2 books, they are quite instructive and are full of skill building tactics. We are not all good at everything, we can be lifelong learners to boost our ability to connect with others. Connection with others can lead to a fulfilling life.
Suggested questions to get to know folks, he calls these “deep questions” and they work quickly to connect people, per Charles Duhhig:
If you could have a crystal ball to see the future, would you?
What do you feel most grateful for?
Tell me about a time you cried in front of others.
Do you think you will try any of these questions?
He highly suggests them as they were tried in research studies and they helped strangers form a deep connection.
Your brain wants to connect with other brains, when we connect through listening, negotiating and planning a safe conversation we can meaningfully connect with others.
We can all build our conversational skills to help understand and connect with others.
Our conversational skills and awareness of our identity will help us navigate connections and negotiations with others.
What will you try this week?
2 Suggested books-
Supercommunicator - Charles Duhhig
Negotiating the Nonnegotiable- Dan Shapiro
Implementing these strategies will help you tee up your brain for a busy day, maintain high productivity, and cultivate peace of mind, even in an emotionally charged workplace.
I believe in you!
Mary
https://linktr.ee/Dr.MaryRense...